"I need to tell you something and you have to be strong.. it's your brother. It's Josh, there was an accident. A terrible accident," she said mirroring the words I heard years ago about the death of my sister.
"He's gone. You have to be strong." But, I'm so weak. I envisioned my arms stretching through the phone to hug her. My pain was so big, I couldn't imagine hers... She wanted to console me. I wanted to console her. I wanted to disappear.
The sky opened up and the rain fell hard. The overhang of the balcony shielded me from the downpour. I wanted to kick the railing down to expose it's deceit. It couldn't protect me. Nothing could protect me from the storm wreaking havoc inside my soul. I winced as the heartache set in. I clutched my stomach. I felt sick. I walked into the open air to make sure it wasn't me who had died. I laid on the patio floor like a defeated child and welcomed the rain as it pelted me in the face.
"Talk to me! Talk to me!," I screamed. I heard nothing but the soul crushing sound of my heart breaking into a million pieces. Why him God? He was so good, so loving!
My first instinct was to call him to tell him... about him. I don't feel safe. Are you safe? Where are you? He was my go-to-guy, my absolute soul mate. He had all the makings of a perfect man... with a woman's heart. A bleeding heart.
A strange calm set over me, but only for a brief moment. I know he's with God.
"In my father's house are many rooms, if it were not so I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you."
Time stood still as days passed by. "One day at a time," people would say... One breath at a time, I mumbled back...
Although I'm heartbroken, I have peace. The only thing that brings me solace is that I know where he is. He is with God. He is safe. Echoing the words of my pastor, "He finished well." Yes, he did. He was happy. He was doing what he loved. He is home now and he is free.
Knowing this doesn't soften the fact that I miss him terribly.. I always will.